Monthly Archives: September 2012
The Struggle for Joy
I ponder why joy is the struggle.
It is truly difficult to grasp…
amongst depression,
exhaustion,
acedia…
a daily battle to be fought.
Yet it is right within grasp…
within me.
I seek the joy, the satisfaction…in created things,
but because I stop and rest in them,
not raising my heart to You, the Creator,
my joy is short-lived…gone.
I am left empty…desolate.
When will I realize,
comprehend,
understand,
that You alone can satisfy…
fill the emptiness to overflowing.
That there is a tranquil joy
not of this world,
that can only be experienced by resting in You.
By embracing your loving will
at each moment
with equanimity,
tranquility,
peace.
These are your gifts of joy.
Even when my soul is heavy…weighed down
…dry…doesn’t understand,
I can accept and offer even this as gift…
as sacrifice…
as reparation.
And in exchange
You give me only joy…
tranquil joy.
My soul, oh my soul…
let it rest only in You.
{Theresa lives out her vocation as wife, mother to four (and two in Heaven), Classical homeschooler, Secular Carmelite, and part-time ultrasonographer in Pennsylvania. She shares her fumbling writings at my desert heart when the Spirit nudges her.}
God Can Do Anything
A few weeks after our baby died, we took our other children to the beach in an attempt to relieve the heaviness of grief. Just for a few hours we wanted to forget the pain and do something normal and happy, and see our children’s faces light up with delight.
As they splashed in the lagoon and built sand castles, I wandered to the edge of the sea, and stood quietly by myself. I watched the waves rolling in one after another, breaking onto the shore and over my feet. The bright sunlight glinted off the water. A refreshing salty breeze lifted my hair.
For a long time I stared out at the horizon, oblivious to everything but the ocean. It was so vast and seemed unending. It was magnificent and powerful and beautiful. And while I stood there on the sand, I saw God:
All-knowing
All-loving
Almighty
and eternal.
I was a mere grain of sand standing before a God who is so enormous, He goes on and on forever, without end. I am one tiny soul in the universe of creation but despite this, I was aware I was still important. God was looking at me, and He knew all about my grief.
My whole body throbbed with pain. I could do nothing about my suffering. But I knew that my all-consuming grief was nothing compared to God. All He had to do was blow one tiny breath, very gently over me, and I would be healed. God could do that. He can do anything.
God reached down, scooped me up, and wrapped me in Love. And hope washed through me. I prayed.
Of course, my grief didn’t vanish in a moment while I stood on that beach looking out at the waves. I wasn’t healed in an instant. But I began to hope. Whenever I was tempted to believe that nothing would ever defeat my grief, I thought of the never-ending ocean and I remembered…
God is the Creator of everything,
For He made all things from nothing:
He is the Holy One,
A Mystery Awesome and Wondrous,
The Supreme Being, the Supreme Spirit,
All-knowing, All-loving, Almighty and Eternal.
God can wipe away any pain. God can heal. God can do anything.
I blog at Sue Elvis Writes. Please feel welcome to visit and share more of my posts.
Come to Jesus
Video
God did not consider me unworthy
Thomas was born one day and he died the next. I came home to grieve amongst friends. Many of those friends had babies in their arms, and I couldn’t help wondering why God had given them the gift of healthy children, and not me. Had I done something wrong? Did He really love me? I felt abandoned and worthless.
One day, I came across some words of St Clotilde. She wrote them at the time of the death of her first born child, immediately after his baptism. She said:
“I give thanks to Almighty God that He had not considered me unworthy to be the mother of a child admitted into the celestial kingdom. Having quitted the world in the white robe of his innocence, he will rejoice in the presence of God through all eternity.”
I thought about these words for a long time. Could it be that God wasn’t punishing me at all? Did God in fact choose me to be Thomas’ mother? Had He considered me worthy enough to be the mother of a saint?
Yes, God sent me a beautiful, precious, innocent soul, to grow within me, to be born, to be baptised and confirmed, and then to be returned back to Him. God gave that difficult task to me. Although I didn’t think I could fulfil that task, with God’s help, I did.
When Thomas died, many people tried to console me with the quick and thoughtless words, “But you have a saint in heaven!” I felt so angry. What was a saint compared with a baby in arms? I wanted to be like my friends. I wanted to be the mother of a live and healthy baby.
That was then, but now…
I think about having a saint in heaven. Thomas is already rejoicing in the presence of God. He is waiting for me. God gave me a great gift. Knowing this doesn’t take away the pain and the grief. My heart still yearns for my son. But it does remind me that…
God does love me. God did not consider me unworthy.
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Prayer to St Clotilde:
Hail, gentle and loving St. Clotilde, sweet illustrious Queen of the Franks, who by thy faith and perseverance in the Lord didst convert thy husband and made France for many centuries a venerable stalwart of the Catholic faith, I implore thy powerful intercession in this my great need.
Assist me, holy St. Clotilde, from thy height of glory in heaven. Thou, who during thy earthly sojourn, didst drink deeply from the Saviour’s chalice of sorrows, have pity on my dire distress, especially . . . (Here make your intention).
Grant also that through my sorrows I may, like thee, purify my faith and never lose hope in the mercy of God. Amen.
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Perhaps you’d like to share my story My Starring Role and other grief stories on my blog Sue Elvis Writes. Please feel welcome to visit.
The Apostolate of Hannah's Tears 