Notes from my journal {March 17, 2008}

“Gabriel” is the name we gave to our child that we lost the end of July 2008. We really didn’t know if it was a boy or girl since his/her heartbeat stopped at 7 weeks, but we just had this *feeling* it was a boy. For the sake of simplicity, I will use “he”.

Gabriel would have been due today. My arms ache to hold him and there is a empty space in my heart. I wonder what he would of looked like and what it would be like to nurse and nuzzle a baby again. I wonder how Angeline would of reacted and picture her holding her new brother or sister. I long to see my husband holding a newborn again in wonder of this life we created together with God.

Despite this longing and the tears that fall as I write this, there is inner peace…peace in the knowledge that Chris and I have created, with God, a soul to eternally praise Him in Heaven. Isn’t this what we are called to do in the Sacrament of Marriage? This is a soul that is now looking upon the very face of God Himself and intercedes for us. This is a soul that will be spared the pains and trials of life on earth.

There is also peace in the knowledge that God’s will is perfect. God sees the *big picture* and knows what is most sanctifying for our souls.

I have been wearing a very delicate pendant with Gabriel’s birthstone that I obtained from this site that carries memorial jewelry for children lost during pregnancy. I will put it away today with a lovely poem that came with it, a picture Angeline made me and my last ultrasound picture of him. This is not in an effort to forget him, but to help me have closure. 

I will continue to speak to Gabriel in prayer and hold him close to my heart with the hope that one day we will finally meet and embrace in Heaven.

{Theresa lives out her vocation as wife, mother to four (and two in Heaven), Classical homeschooler, Secular Carmelite, and part-time ultrasonographer in Pennsylvania.  She shares her fumbling writings at my desert heart when the Spirit nudges her.}

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